It’s hard to make these decisions. Endure the thoughts and judgements of others; worry that I’ve lost respect.
There are a few things that I hold to, through this bumpy time. Tangible facts I can tether my feelings to, and drown out the voices of disapproval—including my own. Markers which give me confidence that the Lord had led us here for a time, even thought the “right way” wasn’t always clear.
I am within Biblical boundaries. I am not walking in a pattern of sin by working outside of the home, or not homeschooling. There are no direct commands that I am disobeying. I am above reproach.
My husband is with me in the decision. He was the one who first suggested I go and look for a job. He has been in agreement with all the changes we’ve made, and he still supports them. We’re in this change together.
I’m walking with the Lord. I’m in the Word. I am listening to His Spirit the best I can. He is near. I am experiencing His grace, and the good news of the gospel more and more every day. I am safe in His presence.
My motives are right. I am not setting out to climb any ladders, or find my significance in my performance at work. I am not working so we can be more comfortable financially. I work to see if this depression will keep at bay.
My soul is getting better. Through having a new routine and a few days in my week that I can control and produce results, a part of my soul, which for years has been suppressed and told to hush, is now allowed to show herself. Perform. Keep things nice and organized—without anyone there to mess it up. And when I head home to the mess and chaos, the organized, non-flexible part of me can rest, and know that she will get her time again in a few days.
Many of you have been kind enough to share your own struggle with me, and I thank you. It has been a gift, to be embraced in my struggle and not criticized. My prayer for us all is that we can walk with the Lord, and then walk in confidence to where He leads each of us.
Write It, Girl
When was the moment I first believed I am a writer? oh wow. Why is that so hard to answer? I think because even now, after having written a blog for six years and two books for a publisher, calling myself a writer still makes me feel a little school-girl silly. It’s because I so greatly respect the title. It’s because I so love the title. It’s because I’m a little shy of the title. I think I began to know it for sure when I stopped writing after my husband and I were married ten years ago. And for those few years, I felt a little lost. When I started Chatting at the Sky in 2006, my soul began untangling and it was then that I knew, oh. I feel more myself now. Maybe I’m a writer.
Funny how writing was the thing that convinced me I’m a writer. Maybe it’s that way with everyone?
Emily is bringing back Tuesdays Unwrapped for the month of December. Check it out!
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