Tears welled up as I left my little boy at the door of his first grade classroom. He was proud and excited to be there.
My heart was crushed.
We were supposed to homeschool this year. I’ve spent months researching philosophies and curriculum. We’ve carved out space in our house for a school room and have decked it out with supplies, maps and boards. Chris made a built-in desk that runs along the wall. We prayed over our space and our homeschooling time. We purchased our books and curriculum. In July we had our first day of school, filled with baskets of goodies for our homeschool year.
Yet, something has just not sit right with it all. It’s not because getting into a new routine is hard, or trying to manage the little ones while we try to do school. I knew it would be hard. There has just been something unsettling about it. That unsettling feeling which the Lord usually uses to tell me something is not where it should be. God has led both Chris and I towards the realization that this is not where we need to be, at least for now.
This has been a hard pill to swallow.
Most of my closest friends, including my sister, homeschool. They love it. I long for what they have. But, it is just not right for us.
I long to be with my children, to train them up into the knowledge of Jesus and all He has done for them. I want to be their main influencer. I want our family to spend good, quality time together. I want to take them on fun field trips and do experiments together. I want to live life beside them and show them how to walk with God.
Yet, I know I can still do these things, whether or not we homeschool. I can have “Bible class” and read them all the fun books we had planned. We can still go on nature walks and field trips. I can still be a part of Kenneth’s days through volunteering in his class regularly. I can and will continue to teach them about Jesus and model to them the best I can how to walk with the Lord.
Ok, so I am just giving myself a pep-talk right now, thanks for sitting in on my self-dialogue. I am sad. But, I know that God’s will is always best. I am fighting all the mommy guilt that comes along with this decision. I am fighting the “What are people going to think about me, since I keep changing my mind?” that echoes through my head. But, I know it is all a lie. Psalm 143 continues to be the comfort and truth I need.
So, I say goodbye, for now, to homeschooling. Trusting that the Lord had His perfect plan in leading us in every step we took this spring and summer towards homeschooling. And knowing that He has good plans for us ahead, especially as we choose to walk in obedience to His will, regardless of how I feel about it.
How have you navigated through tough decisions? What truth do you cling to as you battle mommy-guilt?