Thankfully, the Lord has intervened and has been doing the slow work of making me vulnerable. Opening my heart to love, live and dream. (Click here to read Part 1)
One of my biggest dreams is to become influential. I don’t want to be the first woman president or anything like that, but I do want to be someone who people look to when they want to know how to know and experience God. I don’t think that I have all the answers, but I do want to be a part of God’s work in the lives of others. I want to point people to Jesus.
Blogging has become an avenue to that dream. I dream of my blogs becoming influential. Like, big scale influential. Ann Voskamp, Kay Arthur, Beth Moore influential. (I hope you appreciate how scary it is for me to admit this!) Each of them point women to Jesus and He is glorified in them. I want that.
I applied for a sponsorship this past month. It was such a dream! I am sure that there were hundreds of proposals. If I had received the sponsorship my blogs would have been given some amazing exposure, and I would have been given a ticket to the Relevant Conference (which I SO BADLY want to go to). Though my stomach was in knots the night before the announcement, and I felt like I was back in High School waiting to see if I made the cheerleading squad…it was fun to dream. And it was a dream. Whether or not I got the sponsorship was SO TOTALLY NOT UP TO ME. I had no control over their decision.
I didn’t get the sponsorship. There was a little part of me that was disappointed. But I dreamed and I told others about my dream. The dream failed. But, you know what? The dream doesn’t define me. My worth is not tied to the dream. Life went on and I wasn’t crushed or embarrassed. I didn’t fail; it just wasn’t the Lord’s plan.
I am incredibly scared to publish this post and let you all into my heart, my dream of being influential. The practical part of me is screaming, “What are you thinking? You are never going to become super-influential, nor do you really want the responsibilities that would come with it. You just like the idea of the dream. Why let it all hang out there for anyone to see?! If it never happens you will feel like a fool for ever letting anyone know what your hopes are.“
Yet there is something inside of me that can’t let this go. Something is compelling me to share this. Maybe it is all just a cry to you all, to let me know I am not alone in my fear to be a dreamer?
So, what about you? Do you relate to this fear of dreaming? Do you tend to prepare your heart for the worst instead of allowing vulnerability? How do you see failing to dream affecting your life and relationships?