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Full Circle {in which God is so faithful}

There is so much I want to share with you all, I really don’t know where to begin. I have written this post in my head a hundred times, but have yet to find a real focus for it.

Though, the phrase FULL CIRCLE keeps coming to mind.

This time last year I was in a hard place. I was coming to grips with the fact that, though I had felt God drawing my heart toward homeschooling, I needed to spend time and energy toward becoming emotionally healthy before staying at home with my kids could be a viable option again.

With eyes opened to symptoms which could no longer be ignored, something had to change.

My oldest attended public school, I went to work part time, and put my younger two in childcare several days a week. Months later, I finally gave in to the inevitable and began chemical treatment for depression.

Here I stand, a year later from when the realization hit that I could not be the stay-at-home mom that I thought I should be.

And . . . it has been a good year.

A year of letting go of the ideals that I had made non-negotiable in my mind.

A year to truly see and believe that the “ultimate” mom is not the one who externally has it all together, but is the one who is ultimately and utterly dependent on Him, regardless of what life looks like.

A year to say goodbye to the feelings of inadequacy and shame if I can’t meet everyone’s expectations—including mine.

A year of freedom to be who God has made me—taking into consideration my chemical imbalance (and family history of depression), my drive to achieve, and the desire to control my surroundings. I gave myself room to be Katie.

A year to re-discover the joy of motherhood.

I feel a freedom, joy, and confidence that I have not felt in a long time

So, thanks for taking this journey with me. In many ways, the Lord has used you all to affirm that I am not alone in this struggle of depression and difficulty in finding a healthy place as a mom

It’s funny, ’cause after I finish this post, I will be heading out to a Classical Conversations practicum. After much conversation and prayer, we’ve decided that we will homeschool this year. I really didn’t expect this. I knew in my heart that we would probably end up educating our kids at home at some point, as the desire to do so still remained, but I really thought it would be a few years down the road.

He has been faithfully clear that now is the time. We will continue to take it a year at a time, and I pray He will grant me the grace to hold my plans loosely.

27 replies
  1. Amanda
    Amanda says:

    Thank you for speaking out about your depression! I’ve been working to manage my depression for several years. God is faithful and taking medication is not failure!

    Reply
    • Katie
      Katie says:

      Thanks, Amanda! I thought that when I first started thinking about it, but the Lord made it clear for me, that it is OK. It has made a WORLD of difference, and I do feel I can now enjoy my kids!

      Reply
  2. HisJules
    HisJules says:

    So proud of you & your decision and that you would share it here! The authenticity that you share with others surely makes your Father proud! Our children don’t need another “pinerest” perfect mom, they need a mom who is purely devoted to Jesus!

    Reply
  3. Nina Turner
    Nina Turner says:

    I love that you are so real! Thanks for sharing your struggle and victory and encouraging others to not be ashamed to do the same! Praying Jesus be your all in all through this new venture!

    Reply
  4. Caroline
    Caroline says:

    Yay, Katie! I’m so glad you’re happy about the journey and revolution of your year’s adventure. Praying for you and your family, and thank you for your honesty.

    Reply
  5. Lisa notes...
    Lisa notes... says:

    Glad that you have peace with your choices. I know you will school your children to the glory of God, like you do everything else. You are amazing.

    Reply
  6. jaimewhitlock
    jaimewhitlock says:

    I love your candid posts, it is refreshing to my soul and I know refreshing to your many other readers. God bless you Katie! I’m starting my homeschool journey this year, too. I’ll be checking in to see how God uses you and your children through your journey; for inspiration, for a reality check and some laughs, too, I’m sure!

    Reply
  7. thesebeautifulashes
    thesebeautifulashes says:

    Love your openness and vunerability about hard things! Such an encouragement! I hope too, that you enjoy CC…we started last year and love having a community to be a part of in the difficulties of homeschooling well. God Bless!

    Reply
  8. Amanda Cross
    Amanda Cross says:

    Katie,
    I’m so glad you shared this. I’ve been following you and Do Not Depart for just a few months now. I came across your blog through another blog. I too have struggled with depression and anxiety. It has been to the point where there have been times I was afraid to leave home or to be by myself. Last July, I was struggling and went into a mental health facility for a couple of days. A few weeks before, I started the Bible in 90 days. The Lord has done so much in the my own life through Hello Mornings and Good Morning Girls. It has truly been God’s Word that has been healing me. I am taking medicine as well. Some of the things that I’ve had to change is sleep. I’ve battled insomnia for a long time. I am taking something that helps me get to sleep. I also make sure to eat something soon after waking up. Some of the anxious feelings that I have felt I believe are the symptoms of low blood sugar. I’m also making sure to drink plenty of water, taking Alive women’s vitamins, and a fish oil everyday. All of these things have helped me tremendously. I sympathize with you sister. I’m so glad for what the Lord is doing in your life. He is faithful. I’ve been reading in the Matthew over the last several weeks. I’ve seen Jesus heal people from all sorts of things and I’ve heard Him say to me, Do you want to be made whole? I said Yes, Lord. He said,Take up your bed and walk.

    Reply
    • Katie
      Katie says:

      Amanda, thank you for sharing this! I struggle with low blood sugar as well as low blood pressure. I think both have an affect of our overall “feeling well”. I am trying to drink more water…it is hard!

      So thankful to hear of His work in you, and I appreciate you sharing your heart with us!

      Reply
    • Patti
      Patti says:

      Amanda! I am so happy to “see” you here, you have come to my mind more than once the past few months and I have wondered about how you were feeling. I am rejoicing to read that the Lord has shown you some of the physiological pieces that were contributing to your struggles. It helps so much to get those under control, I know that from my own life. I just want you to know that every time you come to mind I will be praying for you. Walk on sister!

      Reply
      • Amanda Cross
        Amanda Cross says:

        Patti,
        You don’t know how much this meant to me. I didn’t realize the comment was from you when it showed up in my inbox. I was so encouraged that the Lord continued to put me in the mind of some dear sister’s heart. :O) Haha! Makes sense now. I’m doing Hello Mornings again and I’m in Kelli Miller’s group. I kind of left the other group quietly. I think there was just so many ladies in that summer session that it was hard to really connect with everyone. You and Meagan were so encouraging. :O)

        Reply
  9. Melanie
    Melanie says:

    Beautiful words. I keep reflecting on your words “the ultimate mom….is the one who ultimately and utterly dependent on Him.” Thank you for sharing your heart.

    Reply
  10. Catherine
    Catherine says:

    Thank you for sharing your story and how the Lord is working on you and changing your desires. Keep delighting yourself in the Lord! 🙂

    Reply
  11. Kim Sorgius
    Kim Sorgius says:

    I’m obviously a little behind in the post reading world, but woohoo! Praying for you, Katie, as you embark on a wonderful journey that is sure to have beautiful ups and downs! I love it when God changes our plans and blesses our obedience in being willing to go with Him. We love CC! I’d be happy to help if you have any questions!

    Reply
    • Katie
      Katie says:

      Haha, as am I, Kim! So many great blogs, not enough time in the day to read them!

      We are so excited! Had our first CC meeting yesterday. I am a tutor, so this keeps me on my toes, but has been good to make me engage even more with the material, and practice for it at home.

      Who ever thought I’d be learning LATIN!

      Reply
  12. Linnie
    Linnie says:

    Oh, what a testimony! Thank you so much for sharing, dear Katie. How often I try to keep things right on the outside and just don’t know how to keep going on the inside.
    Praying for you for this year’s journey.

    Reply
  13. Patti
    Patti says:

    Yay, yay and yay for what God is doing in your life and the life of your family! I am excited for you and know that this will be an amazing journey. My roles as wife, mother and homeschool teacher have been the three biggies to bring me to my knees and help me cling to His sufficiency. He always (ALWAYS) provides. Did I mention yay? 😉

    Reply

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